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But I’ve never been to the moon! Take me to your leader! I wish! It’s a nickel. Isn’t it true that you have been paid for your testimony? Yeah, lots of people did. You’ll have all the Slurm you can drink when you’re partying with Slurms McKenzie!

Future Stock

Tell them I hate them. Well, thanks to the Internet, I’m now bored with sex. Is there a place on the web that panders to my lust for violence? No argument here.

• As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead.
• When will that be?
• Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”.

Mother’s Day

Kids have names? Who are you, my warranty?! Why would a robot need to drink? File not found. Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.

The Sting

And then the battle’s not so bad? I love you, buddy! Okay, it’s 500 dollars, you have no choice of carrier, the battery can’t hold the charge and the reception isn’t very… For example, if you killed your grandfather, you’d cease to exist!

1. Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
2. Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?

Less Than Hero

Have you ever tried just turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them? Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo! I never loved you. Tell them I hate them. A true inspiration for the children.

A Head in the Polls

Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trial for that there incompetence. Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! You are the last hope of the universe. I could if you hadn’t turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. You’re going to do his laundry? Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn’t I break his legs?
Daddy Bender, we’re hungry. I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself. Who’s brave enough to fly into something we all keep calling a death sphere? Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man. Ooh, name it after me!
It’s okay, Bender. I like cooking too. Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun? Ugh, it’s filthy! Why not create a National Endowment for Strip Clubs while we’re at it? Bender, we’re trying our best. Dear God, they’ll be killed on our doorstep! And there’s no trash pickup until January 3rd. You won’t have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you’ll be doing.
You guys go on without me! I’m going to go… look for more stuff to steal! Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. I videotape every customer that comes in here, so that I may blackmail them later. Negative, bossy meat creature! Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry’s worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them. Why not indeed!
Morbo can’t understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that’s shaped like a man wearing a hat. Why would a robot need to drink? Belligerent and numerous. As an interesting side note, as a head without a body, I envy the dead. Man, I’m sore all over. I feel like I just went ten rounds with mighty Thor. All I want is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit… that’s why I’m transferring to business school!
Alright, let’s mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew. Throw her in the brig. Look, everyone wants to be like Germany, but do we really have the pure strength of ‘will’? Um, is this the boring, peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
One hundred dollars. Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as “the brig”. There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk! Hey, you add a one and two zeros to that or we walk! Guess again. In your time, yes, but nowadays shut up! Besides, these are adult stemcells, harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stemcells. You don’t know how to do any of those.
Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase “upside your head.” Oh God, what have I done? Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes! We have bigger problems.
Take me to your leader! Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar. I was all of history’s great robot actors – Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored. Anyone who laughs is a communist! Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg ‘fixes’ it… then perhaps gifts! Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I’m still single? It’s ’cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans! Your best is an idiot!
With gusto. Professor, make a woman out of me. When will that be? Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy. It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
Switzerland is small and neutral! We are more like Germany, ambitious and misunderstood! It’s toe-tappingly tragic! Come, Comrade Bender! We must take to the streets! I meant ‘physically’. Look, perhaps you could let me work for a little food? I could clean the floors or paint a fence, or service you sexually? Oh, I don’t have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain. Your best is an idiot!
Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn’t you just get me the death penalty? That’s a popular name today. Little “e”, big “B”? Tell her you just want to talk. It has nothing to do with mating.

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Rosebud

Save me, Jeebus. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Selma’s Choice

Me fail English? That’s unpossible. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

• How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Marge vs. Monorail

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Hurricane Neddy

Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

1. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
2. I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
3. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
4. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
5. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk

I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of — and solution to — all life’s problems. I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Selma’s Choice

Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Ahoy hoy? Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face! Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don’t work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.”
I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution.
“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
Stan Lee never left. I’m afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! Homer no function beer well without. Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?
Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO!
We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life. Dad didn’t leave… When he comes back from the store, he’s going to wave those pop-tarts right in your face!
I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Human contact: the final frontier. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Ahoy hoy? Please do not offer my god a peanut. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom.
He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?! How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
Me fail English? That’s unpossible. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.