Using Social Media Platforms As A Job-Hunting Tool

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

• I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.
• I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
• Me fail English? That’s unpossible.

Natural Born Kissers

Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. D’oh.

Rosebud

I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. D’oh.

1. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.
2. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
3. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Mr. Plow

Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Homer: Bad Man

How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Inflammable means flammable? What a country.