Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… You don’t win friends with salad. I was saying “Boo-urns.” Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Hurricane Neddy
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city!
- Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
- Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train!
The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
Inflammable means flammable? What a country. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Rosebud
I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
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