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Life on the Fast Lane

“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Last Exit to Springfield

This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is… Love!? Who’s been screwing with this thing? I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.

• Ahoy hoy?
• When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
• Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.

Cape Feare

Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Radioactive Man

Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I was saying “Boo-urns.” I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

1. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
2. You don’t win friends with salad.
3. Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Homer the Great

Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Homer Alone

I didn’t get rich by signing checks. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
D’oh. They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. D’oh. D’oh.
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I hope I didn’t brain my damage.
Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. Me fail English? That’s unpossible. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.”
I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies.
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
Please do not offer my god a peanut. Inflammable means flammable? What a country. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. You don’t win friends with salad. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Ahoy hoy? Duffman can’t breathe! OH NO! I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk.
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. He didn’t give you gay, did he? Did he?!